Oh Joy!

I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy...
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God. (Ps. 43:4, 5)

This week will be the 1-year anniversary of my dad's diagnosis with cancer. Although I have many lingering bitter memories of the past year, so much of this anniversary is sweet! The most important celebration is, of course, God's physical healing of my dad. However, I will also revel in God's work to mend my broken, joyless heart.

My dad's illness hit me like a ton of bricks. It did not take long for me to become lackluster, despondent, and isolated from others. According to friends, I had lost my "sparkle" and "zest for life". One of my friends even told me that I seemed to "dread life". I was overcome with worry and wonder. What tragedy would be around the next corner? As time went on, I became more inwardly drawn: shy, non-communicative, and blank; I constantly grumbled and argued with the LORD internally.

When my dad's health improved this Spring, I was convinced that I would return to normal. He did, but I didn't. Nothing changed. I missed the "Old Emily" but wasn't sure she was ever coming back.

Living and working in Morocco this summer was an enormous gift from God, for so many reasons: the opportunity to be emptied of myself and serve others wholeheartedly, the deepening of my relationship with the Lord and the sinful areas of my life He pointed out. I felt so alive and...joyful!

Reflecting on my adventure in Morocco after I returned, He showed me exactly what He thought of my previous joylessness. It was as if the scales finally fell from my eyes. My joylessness was not merely a bad mood, a depression, or "something I was going through", IT WAS SIN!

Each moment I have a choice: will I fight for joy or instead flounder in self-pity, doubt, and discontent? Will I choose to be joyful and excited to do the things He has called me to do now? Or will I choose to be grouchy and restless, sick of the mundane, and constantly day-dreaming about the places I could go and things I could see? Will I choose to believe that all of His ways are loving and faithful, that He is near to all who call on Him in truth, and that true joy is found solely in the presence of the LORD?

As John Piper has so aptly stated it,

God is infinitely worthy of our delight. The only thing standing between the command of God to rejoice and our experience of that joy is a sinful heart—a heart that delights more in the things of the world than in God.